May 14, 2013
Does My Shadow Make Me Look Fat?
My 'personal year' runs from September to September. That month, being my birth month, sets off a new life year for me and is generally a better time for me to look at resolutions, life changes, and charting growth than January is. September 2011 to September 2012 was an ass-kicker year for me. It was truly suck-worthy. It was also the year I learned to love myself completely. Go figure.
I've spent the bulk of my life not particularly liking myself. I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, and on and on. Sadly, plenty of people are familiar with this I'm Not Enough type of existence. I started realizing that there was something wrong with how I saw myself, back in my late twenties but it took me ten long years to really dig all the crud up and toss it aside. I'm not a therapist and I've never seen one (excepting my best girlfriends and too many blenders of daiquiris to count,) but something happened last year in between the crippling sadness of losing my beloved kitty to an illness the vet could do nothing to help and the financial worries and the moments of fist-shaking at the sky.
I finally saw myself.
I finally saw my strength, my awesomeness, my silliness, my fierce love, my wild imagination, my optimism, my sheer joy at living in the valley where I make my home, and I finally, finally saw my beauty.
All I could think was WHY DID THIS TAKE SO LONG?
It's been a great ride so far with these new eyes, but something funny happened about a month ago. My niece got herself a new phone and started playing with the camera on it. She started snapping candid photos and texting them to me. Photos of me. Photos of me on my cell phone, or chasing the cats around, or eating lunch. And I was horrified.
Who the hell is that person?! Do my thighs really look like that? I really need to do something with my hair.
And the criticisms kept coming as if they'd never really gone away.
April was another shaky month. A few things in my life that I've been neglecting or ignoring completely have shown up and demanded to be noticed. This new development (or old resurgence) was exactly the thing I needed to trigger me to take action and change my attitude.
That person in that picture is me, and she is amazing. Yes, those are my luscious thighs. My hair is long and gorgeous and yes, sometimes looks like I've been caught in a tornado, and I love it.
I am taking a firm gorilla-grip on my life and owning my awesomeness. I might be face-deep in a daiquiri later, but I will get my ass back up again and go out into the world tomorrow, thighs and all, and keep building and creating and bibbity-bobbity-booing this life of mine the way I want to.
I will love myself. I will love the wild animal of my body, and my delicious spirit, and my crazy mind, and I will create a life of joy and magic.
Bring on the candid photos - I dare you.